The short version?
College is hard.
I was completing my senior year of college and was just really busy. There was so much stress about graduation and classes that I just didn't have the time... not to mention the encroaching worries of "What the hell am I doing with my life?" I also moved about 3-4 times within 10 months so it was hard to get settled anywhere and have any kind of studio space. My last six months in NYC were spent in a shady (but clean) extended stay motel on the Upper West Side, in a tiny studio apartment... That I actually loved and missed. That was the one place that REALLY felt like home.
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| This was my view every morning. As much as NYC was killing me and I needed to leave... I do miss it terribly. My last six months were simply liberating. |
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| This was the night I moved in (My Birthday). It was small, but I really did feel like the space was MINE. |
About a month before leaving New York, I suffered from a very tough bout of depression that took an awful toll on me. That was when I added a new member to my family to help me feel less alone. I bought a Hamster, Hawke, and he has been my little, fuzzy rock through all of this.
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| Hawke 11/6/1025 enjoying some Indian corn. |
So, yeah. Basically, I had way too much going on in a very short stretch of time and some things just had to fall by the wayside for my own health and well-being. I truly loved and love blogging, but it was just too much for me to keep up with. It has been a weird ride. In mid-June, I moved to Maryland, into my family's new home (before anyone else was even living there) and everyone else arrived sometime in July/August. As I said, it has been strange. It has been a whirlwind of renovations and making this formerly vacant (for 2 years) house a home. It has also been an act of soul searching and mending the erosion that city life had left on my mind. While I was still in New York, it was suffocating me; I couldn't keep up-- it was too much, too fast, all the time.
But moving to the middle of nowhere, Eastern Shore Maryland has been eye opening. It has been both a liberation and an imprisonment. I realize how much I relied on New York to cure my ails; I spent most nights just walking for hundreds of blocks for hours... now I can't go anywhere without driving. That has also been an interesting point in my life. Four years in one of the most urban cities in the country? I hadn't planned to leave (early on) and so I never went farther than getting my Learner's Permit... which then expired... and I had to get it again... and now I am taking my actual Road Test in a couple of days.
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| Living by the beach has been an experience in re-attuning myself with our mother goddess. I am the first to admit that my soul was wounded, but I have begun the path to healing and happiness by simply acknowledging the love I need to have for myself and the importance of immersing myself in nature. I have spent too long without being able to put my bare feet in the grass. |
I am now preparing for yet another move, although this is supposed to be the final one for at least a year. I am beginning my adult life; Will and I are finally moving in together. This has been a beautiful ordeal in itself with doubts and stress and so many tears. I have begun and ceased treatment for my depression-- I refuse to feel nothing as a bandaid to feeling too deeply-- and I am slowly finding what I need to find to become the woman my mind has been keeping me from being. These past months have been about self-love and self-care. I have needed them and I hope you can forgive my erratic behavior in keeping this blog alive. I promise to do better.
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| Will and I are still very happy together. This time returning to a long distance relationship has not harmed us, although it has been stressful at times. I am excited to be beginning a new chapter with him as my partner. |
I realized how much I missed blogging on Halloween. It only took me 45 minutes to do my makeup... because I wasn't tirelessly photographing each step or filming a video in our friend's tiny studio apartment. We had gone back to New York to celebrate and it was a wonderful time. But I missed having an outlet to share my experience and the joy I felt while using makeup. I sifted through endless Good Will racks to find the tacky purple shirt and a suitable overcoat. My mom supplied a conveniently perfect green vest. The coat had been grey and I made it purple with about 4 cans of spray paint. It was stiff as a board! But it was a hit!
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| I was The Joker. I decided that I would refuse to be inhibited by all of my favorite characters being male. He may be overdone, but I took elements from each of my favorite versions and made the costume my own. |
The problem of the evening was that, when I wore the coat, people were having trouble figuring out if I was male or female. And honestly, that was the point. It has also been interesting examining my gender identity. I am undoubtedly female and feminine, but it still never quite fit. FemAndro is the word that I have found to fit me best. I have always been fairly androgynous. Dressed like this (as my favorite character of all time!) felt very right to me. I felt comfortable with people questioning and I felt comfortable with them not knowing.
I joked at the bar to another patron, "Believe it or not, I'm used to being a pretty woman and being able to get the bartender's attention!"
He stared at me for a moment and laughed before replying, "I honestly didn't know you were a woman until you spoke."
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| My first ever latex/wax success also left some stingy red marks that I whined about for most of the next day! |
It was a good night... It was also my first night using latex and wax to fabricate anything. I wish I could have shared my experience and my steps, my troubles, and success. And I think some people would have laughed as I pulled my fake skin off of my face (that was about 60% covered), crying like a baby, and revealed angry red marks in its wake!
But... I digress... Halloween was the catalyst. Here I am now, baring my soul to anyone who cares to read.
Beauty is and always has been much more to me than just pretty things making me look pretty. I frankly don't give a fuck if I look pretty. You shouldn't either. You don't owe anyone prettiness. You owe yourself authenticity. And this is authentically me. I am a beauty enthusiast and I use it as an outlet to void my frustrations and bring happiness into my life.
But anyway, please do excuse my tangent, I am moving again. I'll be getting a new place (with Will), a new temp agency is placing me with a new job, and I will be in a "new" town. There will be a lot of new. And in creating this new routine, I intend to make this blog a priority (obviously after my money making job and paying bills). So, in short, I'm back!
I will make another post with details on a schedule for my posts. I am also considering beginning a youtube channel. I would like to move away from reviews (although I will still do them) and focus more on tutorials and beauty for the everyday person. PLEASE remember that if you want anything from me or would like me to do/see/think about something... just leave me some sort of feedback.
Will is a big fan of the youtube channel "This Exists" and he is intending to begin a channel of his own that is sort of like a "This Exists: History Edition." Obviously, name pending, haha! So we will be purchasing a nice camera and creating a studio space. This will give me higher quality photos, videos, and an ability to have a consistent work space.
It has been a long and weird 9-10 months and I'm sorry for the radio silence,.. but I hope I have retained some readers and I hope to enjoy having new ones. Thank you!
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| Never ending hugs and love from your Average Jane Beauty Guru. I desperately hope that you decide to give me a second chance. Things are looking UP and are about to be so much more fluid. |
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