First
thing is first, there is nothing us locals HATE more than a fucking
tourist. Not just “a tourist.” No, it is a FUCKING tourist. Natives and locals cannot stand you people
more than anything else--- and there are a lot of things we cannot stand. Fucking tourists make us avoid the mainstream
commercialized area of NYC like the plague.
There is nothing worse. There is
nothing that makes us bubble with scarcely concealed rage whilst seething
behind clenched teeth like some of you guys.
Fret
not. I am here to help. I was once a starry eyed tourist with dreams
of seeing the lights of Time Square… and then I moved here, thinking that the
magic could never wear off. Well, let me
tell you. It does. No longer to you swoon in awe of the beauty
of New York, New York… soon you start screaming at cab drivers, flipping off
assholes, sprinting for buses, and you have the subway system committed to
memory. Think of a cheap child’s t-shirt
from target with a glitter design. You
know how after you wash it a few times… all the glitter comes off and reveals a
dingy grey color. Welcome to a few years
in this city. So, no, us locals are not
in the most loving of moods pretty much ever.
TIPS FOR STUFF TO HAVE:
How the
hell am I going to be prepared for a weekend in the city? I’m coming in on a bus, what do I do with my
bags? What do I bring with me and what
do I leave behind? There are a few
trademarks of a New Yorker that you might think are strange, but we have picked
up the habits out of necessity. I will
share with you the top 10 tips for being in NYC as far as what you should have
with you.
1.
PACK LIGHT--- This is a big city with a lot to
do, see, and buy. You do NOT need to
bring your entire wardrobe with you.
What do you NEED? You are
arriving on Friday morning and leaving Sunday morning. That’s 2 outfits, 3 if you’re doing something
special one of those nights. Pack for
that. Wear your outfit for Friday, pack
a pair of jeans, underwear, and a few shirts.
You only need one pair of shoes.
You are not going to see women hoofing it around in red bottoms for
blocks. Leave your pumps at home. Bring a cute pair of shoes that you can walk
all day in.
2.
BRING AN UMBRELLA--- You never know when it’s
going to rain. It rains a lot here. The last thing you want soaking your body is
slimy, dirty, NYC rain dripping off of the sidewalks and onto YOU on the subway
platform. EW.
3.
COMFORTABLE SHOES--- I repeat, you do not see
women walking around the streets in pumps; leave them at home. You’re going to be walking A LOT, and if you
don’t, you’re simply going to miss out on everything. Bring a cute pair of boots or some sneakers.
5.
HAND SANITIZER--- Just trust me on this
one. Ew.
6.
REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE--- Look, you try and buy a
water bottle on the street and it’s going to run you upwards of four bucks and
it doesn’t get much better in the drug stores.
Bring your own bottle and you can fill it up with tap. We have some of the best tap water in the
country; believe it or not, it doesn’t come out of the East River like everyone
seems to assume.
7.
CASH--- There is nothing more annoying than that
asshole who asks the food cart guy or the lady selling knock off handbags if
they accept Discover. No. They don’t.
Carry cash. Not a lot, but
some. Carry enough cash to get your ugly
knock off handbag that no one in the office back in Bumblefuck, Pennsylvania
can tell is fake, but everyone north of Canal can see was made in an alley. Bring enough cash for cabs if you plan to
take one, and stuff like that. Use your
card at restaurants and department stores.
8.
A JACKET--- Uhm… hello… I see more people
walking around shivering in the summer because they clearly thought that our
temperatures don’t fluctuate. It can be
sweltering in the subway and freezing outside and vice versa. Weather changes and it gets cool at
night. You need a jacket because you’re
not driving, your ass is hoofing it.
9.
LEAVE THE $6000 CAMERA AT HOME--- YOU! You with the camera worth more than my
life. Leave it at home. Do you know what it says about you? “Mug me!
Mug me!” You don’t need it. Take pictures on your iPhone or iPod or
whatever iPieceOfShit you have. It’s
good enough. But I want to have nice
photos of my trip! No, you and your
friends/family are not cute and no one wants to look at you acting like
assholes in New York Fucking City. Leave
the big camera at home, stop looking at the sights through a lens and enjoy
your time here.
TIPS FOR BEHAVIOR:
If it
wasn’t enough that the lot of you look fucking stupid, you all seem to feel the
need to act just as bad. New York is a
busy city; please walk faster by like… a lot!
Just know that if you almost get run over or someone shoves you… you
almost definitely deserved it. We really
do hate you guys. We will push you, give
you bad directions, and scowl… A LOT.
These helpful hits will keep that from happening to you.
1.
CHECK YOUR BAGS!--- I get it. Check in time isn’t until 3pm, but you came
at 10am so you could have more time here.
Makes a fuck ton of sense, honestly, I used to do that too. But don’t take up the whole sidewalk with
your stupid family tugging along rollie suitcases full of shit they don’t
need. Most hotels will let you check
your bags before check-in. Basically,
for a couple of bucks, sometimes for free (sans tip), the hotel will hold onto
your luggage for you until you come back to check in to your room. This is a standard service: use it.
2.
BE PREPARED--- Nothing is worse than being on
the way to wherever the heck I am going and having some family stop me and ask,
“Sooo, uhm…. What’s, you know, good to eat around here?” YOU ARE IN NEW YORK FUCKING CITY, EVERYTHING
IS GOOD TO EAT AROUND HERE! What the
hell do you want to eat? What do you
want to see or do? Look. It.
Up. Obviously you need some
pizza. But maybe, since you weren’t able
to get tickets to that broadway show, you get dinner at Ellen’s Stardust Diner
where the servers sing and dance (all of them are trying to make it on
broadway). Maybe you want bagels, or
Italian food. Maybe you have 3 year olds
that only eat PBJs. There is a place
that serves only PBJs and there are ones that serve only Mac ‘n’ Cheese! Maybe your wife likes Chocolate. Take her to Max Brenners. Look it up.
Look for places that would have things you want to eat, see, do, buy,
etc. There’s no shame in coming
prepared. Write down the names and
addresses of these places. Dylan’s Candy
Bar for the kids, The Little Owl for a romantic night out. Basically, have a loose and flexible idea of
places that you want to go. Visit The
Doughnut Factory where they make square peanut butter and jelly doughnuts…
There are A LOT of cool places. Pick-A-Bagel
on 53rd and 8th Avenue has the best cream cheese.
3.
WALK!--- I physically shove people who do not
walk. You might have all day, but look,
I don’t. The rest of us on the street
have dates, work, meetings, shows, meals, etc to get to and we only get one
lunch hour. You need to move quickly,
and if you don’t think you can do that, move to one side and let people get by
you. If you are lost and need help,
stand off to the side and ask someone, don’t stand in the middle of the
sidewalk and disrupt everyone. If you
ask politely, we won’t give you bad directions.
4.
THE BUILDINGS AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE--- We
understand that our city is overwhelming and there is a lot of stimulation and
a lot to look at. We are aware that Time
Square is really cool. But you need to
not be an idiot. With so much going on,
that is even more reason for you to pay attention to where you are walking or
someone is going to pick pocket you or knock you on your ass. Enough with this stopping in the middle of
the sidewalk to stare up and take pictures bullshit… If you want to do that,
stand off to the side and don’t block a crosswalk.
5.
ENOUGH WITH THE PICTURES--- Yes, NYC is cool and
memorable and quite photogenic… but you don’t need to halt your entire tour
group to take pictures every 20 seconds.
There is a lot to look at and looking at it through your camera lens is
nowhere near as awesome as looking at it with your eyes. Keep the photos tasteful by taking them at
dinner or when you are in a popular spot where there is not a lot of foot
traffic. Find somewhere that everyone is
not fucking walking to get places. If
you’re not in the way of the flow of traffic, you’re good.
6.
CABS WILL ROB YOU--- Why the hell are you taking
a cab? It literally costs $2.50 and a
little bit of time to take the MTA anywhere in the 5 boroughs of New York. Get on the subway or the bus and go that
way. Cabs just cost a ton of money and
the second you blurt out to the driver that you’re not from around here… he’s going
to take you for a ride and rape you for all the cash he can squeeze out of your
wallet. Take the public transit and if
you are confused and ask politely, someone will help you get going on the right
bus/train and help you out. If we are
going the same way, we will escort you sometimes. Let that person ask you about your trip, don’t
all of a sudden unload all over them about how you came in from Michigan and
Bobby and Susie are getting married next month and one time at band camp…
7.
USE MAP ETTIQUETTE--- Sometimes the streets and
subways are confusing… I don’t really know how since they are on a grid system…
but evidently they baffle you. If you
must take out your map, move off to the side and figure it out or go into a
coffee shop (there is a Starbucks every 2 blocks basically) and do it at a table. The middle of the sidewalk with a huge map,
bothering other people by pointing at vague destinations… is not the way to go. Instead of whipping out your subway map, go
down into the subway and look at the one on the wall. It is bigger and easier to look at. Know where you are.
8.
DON’T ASK ME TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE--- No. Just about everyone is busy. No one wants to take a picture of your
obnoxious family or group making stupid faces in the middle of a crowded walkway.
9.
BE AWARE--- Know where you are, how you got
there, what you are looking for, and what you are doing. If you look scared or lost, you become a
target for criminals. If you are lost, go
into a restaurant or store and ask a clerk for help. Don’t follow anyone who says they want to
take you somewhere (like that guy claiming that you need to go get the handbag
you want to buy) and don’t open your wallet in the subway. Common sense.
Be safe. But don’t be afraid. Maybe it’s a bad idea to wander around Canal
Street after dark and you should know if you are in a bad area. Follow your instincts, if something feels
wrong, it probably is.
S STOP PANICKING--- NYC is a huge place with a lot
going on… but that’s no reason to freak out.
The city is on a grid, you really can’t walk more than a block in the
wrong direction. As long as you are
using good judgment, you’re safe; most of us aren’t criminals and don’t want anything
to do with you. You can’t be stupid
here, but as long as you are aware of your surroundings, you can relax and have
a good time!
TIPS FOR HAVING A GOOD TIME:
1.
GO PLACES--- New York is a huge city with a lot
of unique opportunities and experiences.
For the love of god, don’t limit yourself to Times Square and Rockafeller
Center. Branch out, take the subway, go
somewhere interesting. Staying in the
tourist traps is just silly, you won’t really experience New York then.
2.
BE PREPARED (again)--- See number 2 in the
previous section. The key to having fun
is being prepared. That means knowing
about all of the above listed things and having an idea of what you want to
do. Even if you only have 3 main
activities or places you want to go to. They at least put you in the area of
other things outside of the tourist traps.
Again, there is no shame in doing some research and looking some places
up so you can find things you will actually like.
3.
BE OPEN--- This city is full of new
experiences. You’ll have a good time if
you do things you know you will like, but why not go inside that weird looking
place and eat something you’ve never had before. Enjoy your adventure. We have a lot of diverse cuisine in this
city. Capitalize on that. You can get a cheeseburger and a Budweiser
anywhere in the country; right now you are in NYC, go get some Indian food and
try what the waiter suggests. Get the
special. Live a little!
4.
LISTEN!--- If a local took the time to recommend
something to you, chances are that it’s a goldmine. We don’t tell you to go to the $1 slice of
pizza place on the corner or Rolf’s German Cuisine if we hate it. We don’t tell you that Toasted Marshmallow
Milkshakes are the best things on the menu at The Stand 4 if they’re
heinous. Also, if the waiter recommends
something, it’s probably good. Order the
special, that’s what the chef enjoys cooking.
5.
BE MORE THAN YOUR VACATION PHOTOS--- If you
looked happy in all of your pictures, what does it matter if you were fighting
with your husband the whole trip because you were stressed out? Fuck the pictures, just let loose and have
some fun. You have plenty of time to
pretend to be happy in photos, but you’re in New York, baby! Live it up!
PRO TIP: Know where there are bathrooms. Nothing is more miserable than having to piss
and not being gable to find anywhere to go.
Most Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts stores have bathrooms that are open to
the public, most department stores too.
Also, any NJT station, Penn station, Port Authority Bus Terminal, and
Grand Central have public bathrooms.
Some Subway stations (the big ones) have them too. The Times Square Visitors Center and Bryant
Park also have public restrooms.
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